Hell&related Stuff

In my neverending quest to be up to speed with the rest of you Hip Happening Guys I am trying this little test to see if my understanding of these glorified adding machines is as damm good as I think it is .

And so I give you .......

NOTHING

.........it seems the file is too large.

There must be a way round this and bugger me if I dont find out and upload some music pretty damm soon-ish.

Pointless posting really, still if at first..... blah blah

I am on a mission to seek out verbage of a non productive kind. The ' singing from the same Hymn Book' kind. Whilst I have gone many an extra mile in my quest I now find I have been missing a pivotal single word.

SYNERGY

How this happened I do not know but you may be assured that at oppertune moments this worthless word will be added to emails and dropped into conversation at a stunning rate of knots.

I wonder if I have been passed by with other such bon mots?

TODAY ....I shall mostly be listening to...........RY COODER.

I dont want to appear fixated but......

This new series of The Doctor has me in a Tizzy and not of the wholesome Rose kind. No I refer to the writing and plot lines.

The latest offering was a story that revolved around TVs devouring the mind/body. This can hardly be thought of as cutting edge as it has been the staple of many a 'b' movie and 'b' quality TV for decades.
I awas even more suprised to find that it had been penned by the boy Gattis better known perhaps for his League of Gentleman exploits.
My highly rated opinion on this is...........Piss Poor.

Whilst still on the Dr Who theme, I was pleased to find an article in saturdays Independent, written by Matthew Sweet and being a review of a new Book, Inside The Tardis.
Matthew got my vote instantly by describing a nation enthralled by the chavvy, chipmunky majesty of Billie Piper

.

The article goes on to describe an incedent in the Dr Who offices when so much ammusement was caused by a passage in a critique, The unfolding text that they included it in an episode.

In the 1987 story "Dragonfire", a glum-looking heavy asks Sylvester McCoys's Doctor; "What do you think of the assertion that the semiotic thickness of performed text varies according to the redundancy of its auxilary performance codes?" The Doctor for once being speechless.

On similar verbage I continue with my next Post.........

Gubbins being a variety of miscelanious stuff I need to say.

George Galloway.. What a self publiscising bastard. We may want to grt rid of dear old Toady Bliar but do not actually sugest murder as this Oaf has.I'm sure his erstwhile mentor would approve though.

Ebay Now I'll be the first to admit that even though I have recently been accorded the title of 'Silver Surfer', there is much that still baffles me. It would appear that I am not alone in this. Ebay have been unable to amalgamate two accounts I had. This I have beeen told was due to incompatable email addresses. I cannot access one email address as it was acompany one (intranet and such) and so cannot confirm that I am who I say I am by clicking on the link etc. The problem is compounded insomuch as I cannot verify my bank acc as this pertains to the old email address to which I have no.............. and so it would still be going on if I hadnt,
1 Opened new bank acc
2 Got new email address.
3 opened new ebay acc (loosing feedback etc)

Sir,

I find that your constant maligning of the youth of today to be totally without foundation and I cite the number of new recruits to The International Red Cross as a prime example of their inclusivness in todays society.

I had noticed in the course of my perambulations around the magnificent environs that constitute Southampton that many vehicles were showing the flag of The International Red Cross and I was greatly pleased by such actions.

A few days ago whilst sauntering in the Shirley area of the metropolis I became a little fatigued and sought a sit down and perchance a cup of 'rosie lea' in the Red Cross walk in centre (shown)

I was accorded a most hearty welcome(after some initial language difficulties) and a can of lager was thrust into my hand. Normally I do not partake at such an hour (it being 10.35am) but following recent reports about the health benefits of a daily intake of alcohol I relented.

I must say the boys were very up to speed (if I may use a modern phrase) and were discussing at length metatarsals which I learned to be a bone in the foot.The banter was swift. I was asked my opinion as to whether "owing is good for England" and I had to say that I was sure that a sound fiscal system would be brought in by the new boy.

Such was the breadth of their thoughts that I was a little stunned when they said "bleeding shame about Rooney isn't it". I replied that with all his marriages he didnt do too badly, but, fancy them being concerned with the problems of a diminutive American comedy actor.

Remarkable.

I did notice that the 'Team' if I may call them that were all issued with official Red Cross mobile phones, all the better for identification in times of need.

I say this to all you Editors...........Leave those lads alone!

I say this to The Saint Johns Ambulance Brigade........Play up!

.................dust.

Now that I am a fully authorised old wave techie in the Silver Surfer vein I yesterday decided to put my super powers to the test.
Yes I successfully negociated Asda's new-fangled self check out systen ouja wosname. Piece of piss for Dennypoos. who knows where this do it yourself stuff may end?

Sex perhaps?

TODAY..... I mostly listened to.................LAYLA (the Album)

....Watched Bowling for Columbine last night. Good film in the typical Michael Moore style.
I can't help wondering if he needs to lay it on quite so thick but bearing in mind that the majority of his intended audience is American I can see why (to us Brits) he seems to labour the point.
I feel sure of one thing though, and that is that when he's finished ambushing someone and the victim slinks off , that he clenches his fist, adopts bowling stance (one leg bent and forward) and growls....YES.

I understand that there's a documentary comming out about Wall Mart and I look forward to a 'Badly Written' review as soon as.

TODAY ....I shall mostly be watching.........RIPPING YARNS.

I know this is a schoolboy thing but I cant help a smirk when TV programmes let rip a few expletives which I had previously only heard when I worked as a Carpenter on building sites.

'Cuntybollocks' was just one of the many spat out by Ray Winstone portraying a football manager in the programme' All in the game' which I saw over the weekend on more4.

Good TV drama this and any similarity between the club and the affairs at Leeds Utd a few years ago are of course accidental, as is the remarkable similarity between Ray Winstone and Terry Venables.

'Cuntybollocks' should not be used in stead of 'cuntstruck' which has a different meaning altogether. Nor is it similar to 'floor-da-cunt' as mentioned by 'Lazybug' recently.

TODAY ....I shall mostly be listening to......UNLEADED..(Plant& Page)

Take note, this will be the only mention of 'The Da vinci Code' on this site.

It has come to something when I turn on the tele to watch a programme about the forthcomming 'Chelsea Flower Show' only to find that I am being subjected to yet more clips from the film.
The apparent reasoning being da Vinci's us of mathematics and geometry to explain various aspects of plant growth.

As a book bought in an airport lounge prior to going on ones hols it is excellent, a page turner in fact.
My real admiration however go's to the marketing men who have done such an exemplory job as to have da Vinci elevated to cult status. Apparently he was a bit of a cult in real life.
Whilst bringing one of the worlds great men to prominence this brou-hah may give us a generation who, when hearing "da Vinci" only think of a bloke who hid the holy grail, which he did not and which would be a great shame.

TODAY ..... I shall mostly be listening to........J.J.CALE

Gerry Adams, 'Murdering Irish bastard' or 'Man of peace'? Whatever your point of view I must tip my hat to him for his latest wheeze.
The silvery tongued slime ball has put forward Ian Paisley to be the First Minister in the soon to be (perhaps) Irish Assembly. Now anyone who knows anything (and most of those who know nothing) knows of the hatred of Mr Adams by the erstwhile Rev. They won't even shake hands let alone sit around the same table. So, what gives?

What we have is political skill which has not been seen ere long. Paisley will of course refuse the position and the moral high ground go's to the I.R.A. ....oooops that should have been Sinn Fein (how silly). Adams can be seen as the Man of peace, which will delight his American benefactors no end. Paisley will be the 'Old contemptable', rooted in policies of the past.

In the highly unlikly event of Paisley accepting, he is bollocksed again as The Leader of the Irish Assembly is not the autocratic leader we have over here, being more of a figurehead.
Much of the real power go's to the deputy who would come from the party with the second most votes. You may well be ahead of me now but suffice it to say that party was Sinn Fein.

Win-Win for Gerry Adams.

Eight years old with a flour sack cape tied all around his neck
He's climbed on to the garage roof,
he's figuring what the heck.
Screwed his courage up so tight the whole thing came unwound,
he got a running start and bless his heart,
he headed for the ground.

Well he's one of those who knows that life is just a leap of faith.
Spread your arms and hold your breath and always trust your cape.

Now he's big and all grown up with a flour sack cape tied all around his dreams,
He's full of piss and vinegar, he's bursting at the seams.
He licked his finger and checked the wind, its going to be do or die.
He wasn't scared of nothing guys he was pretty sure he could fly.

Now he's old and grey with a flour sack cape tied all around his head,
and he's still jumping off the garage, he will be till he's dead.
All the years the people said "he's acting like a kid"
He did not know he could not fly, and so he did.

Well he's one of those who knows that life is just a leap of faith.
Spread your arms and hold your breath and always trust your cape.

Spread your arms and hold your breath and always trust your cape.

Well I gave the silly old thing long enough to reply to my somewhat belated letter, bit the bullet and phoned the last number I had for her. Re-dialed as the code has changed.
I spent 7mins 43secs finding out that she had recieved my letter and full details of how to contact me, but hadn' as she was a tad unwell.
It seems my letter had upset and annoyed her. I asked after my sister, as I had sent a Christmas card ( as an opening gambit to get in touch with Mum). It seems my Sis hadn't told my Mum that I was still alive/okay etc. Sis didn't reply or respond to the card in any way shape or form, not even to give me serious shit about my lack of communication.

I have in the space of one phone call gone from being all alone in the world( ohhhhh) to being a member of a somewhat dysfunctional family.

Not only am I still a member of the 'Dennypoos Dysfunctional Massive' but my status as 'Black sheep' has been officially confirmed as I have been written out of the Will. I knew some good would come from all this Hoo-Hah, still living up to official Black Sheep status will hard task, though one I'm up to I'm sure.

TODAY...........I shall be limiting myself to TWO slices of my exemplory BANANA LOAF.

It comes to us all, that thing called old age. What has come to me recently (I hope) is advanced senility.

I find that for no reason I've been adding an E to certain words.
This manifests itself mostly in words like: Taking
Baking
and such, so that I've been typing, takeing and bakeing for example. I don't know when this started which is a tad worrying.
On the subject of 'Masterbaking', I produced yesterday, a magnificent Banana and Chocolate loaf. Although to keep temptation to a minimum I have put it in the freezer, I find that a slice de-frosts in five minutes or so and therfore is an acessable part of my calorie controled diet.(You just eat nothing for three days after).

TODAY ....I shall mostly be listening to JACO PASTORIOUS.

...words for a friend.

What do you do with the sands of time,
when they carve out lines around your eyes?
I can close my fist up good and tight,
but I can't hold back the sands of time.

What do you do with the memory,
that just hangs around and stares at me.
I can take that frame down off the wall,
but it won't erase the things I saw.

Night and day, night and day,
you remain, you remain.

What do you do with old regrets,
there's a box full underneath the bed.
Just close enough not to forget,
thats what you do with old regrets.

There's an old house key in the kitchen drawer,
to a door I cannot lock no more.
Sometimes I hold that key real tight,
what'll you do after tonight.

Night and day, night and day,
I remain, I remain.

I was jolted from my somnabulistic state last night by hearing Paxo use the word 'bollocks' in much the same way as would you or I. It seems that the beeb were caught out by a clip which purported to show a guy playing the cello but that the cello had been digitally removed. The beeb showed the clip not realising that it was the first showing of 'air cello'.
Paxo then described the faux pas and added that the explanation given by the 'Atlantic Mill' (thats up in Geordieland) were "bollocks".
Is this an attempt by the beeb to be a hip happening medium or is it just Paxo?
One wonders how long it will be before the weather girls will be telling us that "...its going to be pissing down all afternoon"

In a similar vein, I always wonder that if we didn't have these stereotypical attitudes, how would we feel if the newsreader (when describing a cataclysm,no Brits killed,) was wearing jeans and was perched on the edge of his desk or when seeing the Bank Manager on a matter of importance he was wearing jeans and trainers

It surely is..".. a fanny old game" as Greavsie would say and I wonder what he would say about tonights game of footer. Our plucky Arsenal takeing on the dago Barcelona team. The game has been, by some pundits, distilled into a match between two players. Terry Henry for The Arsenal and some bloke called Ronald something or other. In these days of multi-national teams its good to see Engerlaaand being represented so well.

ISN'T IT BLOODY GREAT when someone who owes you money and which by dint of elapsed time you have written off, finally coughs up. I am £485 better off now than previously. Being prudent blah blah just doesn't cut it with me and so I'm off to buy a new camera.
There may be some who knowing my financial position 'Giro technicianwise' think this to be a mistake. To those few I say this. "There are no pockets in your shroud"

TODAY.............. I will mostly be listening to ....KEB MO.

Today, I shall be taking a little time off from my 'Giro Technicianship' and spend some time watching 'Metropolis' the Fritz Lang classic. I wonder if 20yrs after first watching it, it will still be as haunting?

WAtching Dr Who over the weekend it became apparent to me that good as it is there is an issue that needs to be addressed. That issue pertains to sex. The good Dr has (so I'm told) enough 'Phwoar' to make a Nuns thighs spread, but poor Rose just doesn't have it. She's got just too much of the 'Girl next Door' about her.

Even when in the last episode she was dressed as a Maid she was too damm wholesome. She needs a dash or two of SLUT, in much the same way as those nice 'Titty Bang Bang' folk can do so well.

As well as dashes of slut, other things on the TV tickled my fancy.

THE CUP FINAL was an excelent game of footer though I was a tad suprised to find John Mottson, of all people, trying to outdo David Coleman in the 'Colemanballs' stakes with his "..that was a very cheap freekick to give away, which may be expensive". Come on Motty shape up or ship out.

COFFEE ENNEMA is all I have to say regarding my other comedy predeliction.

TODAY.... I shall mostly be listening to.....TEN YEARS AFTER.

It seems Radio Five-live are running a little writing competition which may appeal to us Guys.
The idea is to write a 2-3 minute monologue on the basic theme of 'The World Cup', from whatever point of view you have. The best few will be read out on air by a variety of actors including Johnny Vegas, seen here passing one of his riding exams.

I think its worth firing up a grey cell or two, but thats just me. Further detais can be got from . www.bbc.co.uk/fivelive.

On another literary note, now that i've finally got round to reading 'Captain Correli's Mandolin', I am really pissed off.
NO, the writing is up to de'Berniere's high standard. The story is OK. What has seriously Hacked off your Hero is that my copy (Oxfam,99p) Has been misbound such that after page 453 comes page 403 again. On ficking to page 453 again I find the next page to be........504. The upshot being a sizable chunk is missing. My annoyance can be likened to 'Hancock's Last Page'. A frustrated bunny is what I am. I'm hacked off about the book as well.

Just when you think another comedy hero has emerged from the banality which is Sit-com land, he ends up being on a charge for possing kiddie porn.
Innocent until proven guilty and all that but even if found not guilty this can only do harm to a burgoining career.
'No such thing as bad publicity', I cant see a case for that hoary old Chestnut in this case.

TODAY I shall mostly be listening to ........BOB DYLAN.

Neat pic eh?

We do have some curious phrases. How for example did we get 'the bees knees' relating to somthing sublime? It could be the 'B's and E's' in which case its origin is even more obscure.

...and what about the dogs bollocks I hear you cry. Another oft used expression. But how come?

I look forward to any explanation no matter how bizzare.

TODAY ...I will mostly be listening to........JANIS JOPLIN.

An extra Brownie point goes to anyone who can tell me .....What else (apart from a Mercedes Benz) does she want 'The Lord' to give her?

....... is that I find when reading blogs, friends especially, is that they have a voice of their own. By this I mean an intonation, an accent and so on. Even after reading just a few postings and without recourse to the profile,( much of which is fabricated or at least a rose tinted snapshot) I find myself building a complete person. I know that I am not alone in this and wonder what people make of yours truely and just how close to the truth are they.

I think I'll do a little re-reading of friends posts and post my character fabrications.

TODAY.......I shall mostly be listening to .........EMMYLOU HARRIS.

Yes, Gizza Job not Gazza job.
There comes a time in everyone unemployment when sitting watching daytime TV (avoiding Countdown) isnt enough.One gets to musing upon ones own failure to obtain a position suitable to the vast expertize that comprise of 'Transferable skills'

I search all areas,Newspapers/jobcentres/sites all to no avail.
I have all the current jargon:

I go the extra mile whilst singing from the same hymn book as the team member towards whom I show consideration. I am warm and fluffy whilst at the same time being proactively seeking the next level.

I understand all this(and more) as I am fluent in Bollocks.

It comes to us all I supose,that feeling that reality is slipping away. My Grandma went doo-lally when she was in her eighties and I had reason to suspect that I myself was suffering from advanced senility. The root cause of this was that I've found myself really enjoying the latest reincarnation of.............. Dr Who!
Not since yonks when as a nipper I was allowed to watch TV and eat my Tea (Saturday only) at the same time have I liked a Doctor series so much. It certainly knocks the last series, with Christopher wosname, into a cocked hat.

The BAFTA lot seem to know this as well as it recieved a much deserved award as did the sublime Chris Langham for the equally sublime 'The thick of it'.

My sanity now being re-established I feel no compunction to pop to the post-office and get a TV licence. I shall indeed pause to wonder at at sanity of 'Wosssy' (another award winner) who had the ludicrous idea that Noel Edmonds should have had an award for the bodily fluid stain that is 'Deal or no deal'.

TODAY..... I shall mostly be listening to.....BB. KING.

A continuation from yesterdays posting.

...........and friends are now in the know. They have managed to find out that my talents in the cookery dept go way beyond the humdrum Chillies/Sunday Roasts/Proper Chips and encompas the production of;sumptious scones
;lovely lardy cake
;beautiful banana loaf
and..........;preeminent pizza bases.
Being in the know they proclaim to all with ears that I, yes yours truly, am a masterbaker [sic] amongst masterbakers.

On a different tack and appropos nothing, it seemed to me that some of those sayings so beloved of ones elders need a little updating. I've kicked off with a few updates of my own ,there will be many more I'm sure:

Don't get your knickers.....................from the car boot sale.
Too many cooks..............................on daytime TV.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but....when I get off these
crutches I'll fucking kill you.
A bird in the hand..........................could cause Avian flu.

Et voila Donny Dosser.

Shed loads more on Google images.

I found this and would like to share with fellow blogmeisters.

If any one has any similar stuff I'm just sad enough to want to see it.

Having read a number of bloggers posts a common thread emerges in many. INSOMNIA.

It could be that there is some correlation twixt bloggers and Insomniacs that escapes me.
Chances are this insomnia hang up is just an easy peg on which to hang ones hat (as it were).
I dont know much about sleep patterns but I know what I like, that is to get up when my body says so and to go to bed after Green Wing.

Those with difficulties should lead the full and fullfilled life that I do and ignore the ridiculous blandishments of normality to those with little or no spunk.

There are those who say I am full of Spunk but I for one know this not to be true, why only this morning...........

What to do?

My local elections are today but I find myself in a bit of a quandry..
I'm usually left of centre but Blairs attitude and those abhorent Chaemeleon adverts have all but ruled them out.
The Conservatives.........well I've never voted for them, still their candidate is at least below retirement age.
The Lib/dems havn't seen fit to even bung a flyer through my door.
The Greens have likewise left me alone. Though they could argue that it'd be a waste of paper (which of course it all is)

And the government want the 18yr old first time potential to exercise their rights.

PAH! and PAH! again.

Today was my Hospital appointment to have yet more Doctors 'cop a hold' as it were of my own lump.

My app was at The Royal South Hants Hospital (Southampton) at 8.40am. I arrived at 8.30, took out my book and prepared to read a couple of chapters at least.
Imagine, if you will, my suprise when two minutes later I was called, went to the consulting room, was assesed as having merely a minor growth and that in some guys of a certain age this was nothing to write home about and told to bugger off (well not in those exact words I'll grant you).

Enquiring as to whether the lunp would;

1] Get bigger.
2] Stay the same.
3] Dissapear.

I was told."Any of the above would be likely"

The upshot of course is that I am once more,a happy bunny.

TODAY...I shall mostly be listening to......STEVE REICH.

The thing about reading, any kind of stuff, is that you can always learn something. Take ,if you will 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin'.
I've finally got round to reading it having spurned it when the film came out. Odd really as I'd read the three previous de'Berneais offerings and enjoyed them all.

In the midst of a Mussolini diatribe he mentions the Kellogg pact. The bloody what?. Research lead me to the Kellogg/Briand pact, otherwise known as the Paris Pact. In this the Co signees agreed not to influence another country's policies by means of force. The Americans actually signed this. It's not surprising that if a smartarse like myself didn't know this , how on earth was George Bush to know? Ignorance is of course no defence but his foreign policies become suddenly clearer.

TODAY.....I shall mostly be listening to..........THE POGUES.

I spent a good part of the weekend TARTING yes TARTING,(not faffing) about with my shower.Not the type of tarting I enjoy it must be said.
Imagine if you will, myself getting out of the shower,(gross I'll give you), toweling myself down, drying feet etc. only to find myself drying my feet again and then again for a third time. The early morning grey cell (singular) fired up and I realised that all was not as it should be in the dennypoos household.
Leaky shower scenario ensued.
Being a bloke of considerable wosname, I took the inspection cover off the front shower and peered underneath.It didn't seem to be comming from the waste but from further within the dark and wet recesses of the shower-tray. The leak must therfore be in the plumbing to the shower unit and as such I removed that to reveal the inspection hatch to the actual plumbing, except that there wasn't one. Not to be beaten I removed four tiles from the back of the shower and cut a neat inspection hatch in the plasterboard.

BUGGER ME!!!!!!!!!! more water pissing out onto the bathroom floor.

It transpired thet the leak came from the flat next door(old house/flat conversion) and it had been getting worse for ages but the dopey cow hadn't done anything about it. Neighbours, pah!

Much of the rest of the weekend was spent getting materials(tile adhesive/replacement tile for the one I broke/mastic etc and putting it all back.

TODAY ......I shall mostly be listening to ......Townes van Zandt