Hell&related Stuff

The tale of the Camera continues:

Thanks to modern techno stuff I was, yesterday, able to track my parcel. I knew when it had been dispatched, when it left the USA, when it arrived in Blighty, and when it was accepted at customs.

Then the trail went cold until just now when the postman arrived.

He did not come bearing gifts or even purchases. Just the usual melange of rubbish with the exception of a second class letter from Parcel Force detailing payments required.
Now I was aware of duty and a potential for VAT even though the item came from a private source.

I wasn't expecting to pay Parcel Force a handling fee.

I've already paid for the postage via US postal, paid an amount for insurance and now another eight quid.

A previous purchase of 1gb of RAM from the States didn't have any of these problems. Paid for on a Friday, recieved via UPS on Monday. Job Done.

If it wasn't for the fact that even with all these charges I've still saved sixty five quid I'd be really pissed off.

Today I shall be listening to my own frustration course through my veins.

It seems to me that the old addage:
" Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it"
has been forgotten.

The news that has prompted this blog is the incursion (invasion) once again, by Israel into Gaza.
The somewhat vague notion that they are going to scare those bad boys who have, as a hostage, an Israeli soldier, cuts no ice with myself.

Standing back, the situation as I read it is this:
Israel puts barbed wire around the area known as the Gaza Strip, it, on an ad hoc basis bombs said strip as part of the on/off peace[sic] negotiations. As a result of an action by the internees, Israel cuts off all power and water suplies.

Now my memory may be failing but I remember that another heavy handed regime did this in the nineteen forties. Did not the Nazis herd Jews into a gheto in Warsaw and do likewise

?

A second example of this Historical forgetfulness is at this moment being demonstrated by our own government.

Back in the time when we did actually have an Empire we got our noses bloodied on The North West Frontier, when we had a lot of trouble with the damned natives who took umbrage with our commings and goings through The Khyber Pass. Damm those Pathan tribes.

Not withstanding our own little bust up in that area, we can't even learn from more recent history.

Did the Russians not get their arses kicked bigtime by the locals, who went under the funny name Taliban.

I think they did.

Even with a border to Afghanistan and the full might of the Soviet war machine they still got stuffed by a few smelly natives. OK, so we, the west did train them and supply them with modern weapons ( yes those same weapons are being used to kill our soldiers).

I put it to you that we'd not be in this pickle if Blair wasnt so far up the arse of Bush that you only know it is him from his shoe size.

All this mooching around the house waiting for my camera to arrive has at least had one positive outcome.

I was having a piss when I noticed that the top third of the glass shower enclosure still had its original paint spatters from when the ceiling was rollered.
Not a stunning observation, I'll grant you, but it does show that even a fastidious fucker, such as myself, can miss a lot.The thing I'm missing most is the damm camera of course.
At least its on its way and I can track its progress.

Those waiting to see pics will have to wait a bit

Well you were warned in my last post, and as it would appear that I haven't been conned with my camera but am just the unwitting victim of sloth, here go's.

Holmes and Watson are at home, 221b Baker St, the evening meal has been eaten, the dishes cleared and the pair sit, replete.
The evening progresses in much the same manor as did the previous evening, Holmes tinkered on his violin whilst smoking Opium and Watson cleaned his service revolver. Nothing strange in any of that.

Watson turned to Holmes and said,
" D'you know Holmes, I'm feeling rather Fruity tonight"

Holmes stopped playing and leered,
"As am I dear Watson, as am I. Tell you what, go over to the sink in the corner, drop your trousers and take a firm hold of the taps"

" Whatho Holmes" said Watson and did as he was bade.

Holmes meenwhile had taken a lemon from the fruitbowl and with one deft movement, sliced it in half. He approached Watson with the half Lemon and began to smear it on Watsons lilly white arse.

" Good God!" exclaimed Watson, " What on earth are you doing are you doing Holmes?"

"A Lemon entry, dear Watson, a Lemon entry"

I'd like to thank all my chums who have got in touch with messages of sympathy, I'm touched .Always have been some say.(Still the same old dennypoos).For all those bloggy buddies who couldn't give a toss,

FUCK RIGHT OFF!

Ahh I feel better now.

The one thing you shouldn't really do when stuff like this occurs is spend days and days sitting at home mopeing, should you? Guess what, thats just what I've been doing. Not in some kind of boozy haze feeling sorry for myself or anything like that, but I've been waiting for an ebay delivery from the States. I've had stuff turn up in two days and some stuff has taken five.
Of course you have to stay in because as soon as you go to the shop for a bottle of milk..Bingo! The guy turns up, your not there and end up having to trek to the outskirts of Town to pick the dammned thing up.

Perhaps I shouldn't have bothered as a little chaseing this afternoon tells me that US postal have no record of it.

Oh Joy of Joys

Just what I dont need at this time is to be buggering about with Paypal/ebay and all-commers.

If I have time tomorow I will post the,I repeat the
Holmes and Watson joke. You have been warned.

.....especially when what you have lost is your Mother.

I recieved a voicemail last night from my sister Janet which told me that Mum had died last friday and giving details of when the funeral would be etc.

BLOODY TYPICAL, no sooner do I bite the bullet and get in touch with my Mum than she pops her clogs. On the positive side at least I knew she was OK and she knew I was OK and as such we made our peace but all the same.
I do regret not going up to Linclnshire to see her but at the time of my phone call she was to go into Hospital for some tests as she had been unwell for some time. My everloving sister will no doubt make all the arrangements though she curiously omitted to offer me (a non driver) a lift up there.

The curious thing is that, in the same way as when you buy a new car, everyone is driving the same make and colour, now, everything relates to death. Put the radio on, watch the tele and it all somehow relates just to recent events. As for putting the music library on shuffle, thats just as bad. How does that happen?

Disclaimer.
If the next batch of postings are a tad more random and even more bizzare you know the reason why as I may well take my head from my arse.(albeit belatedly)

Buying anew camera on ebay has been a tad fraught. I knew the camera but when I had enough dosh I couldn't find one at the right price and vica-versa. Eventually through multiple bids I won a nice new Nikon but to hedge my bets I placed a ludicrously low bid on a better Nikon.

As the end of the bidding drew nigh I was most relieved to see I had been eventually outbid on the standby camera. Truth to tell I'd have had either or both but financial constraints being what they are, it wasn't possible.

Prepare for an influx of Dennypoos images.

Today I shall mostly be listening to...........Joe Ely.

......pertains to what my Mum would call 'your smalls'

Does one hand wash to be Ecologically chummy or bung em in the machine?
I tend to the hand wash but with what? Bio or non Bio? Bearing in mind the two Footie induced stains:

Urine.......produced whilst pissing ones-self at the feeble attempts in front of goal by the England forwards,*

Crap........produced by shitting ones-self in an edge of seat kind of way as England try to hold on to a slender lead.

* its much more likely to be this possibility

Oh the World poses me so many questions during a first half which must have beeen broadcast at half speed.

I away now to bung a tenner on Spain.

.......that Southampton, in which town 'Dennypoos Acres' can be found is the birthplace of the England centre forward.

I jest not, just look at whom we have produced recently:

Peter Crouch,all round bean pole and current holder of the title 'Englands Saviour'.Played for Southampton before big money move to Liverpool.

James Beatie Another Saints player before his big money move to Scouseland with a blue hue.

Alan Shearer Saints player before big money move to Blackburn and then to Newcastle.

Matt le Tissier remained at Southampton and so didn't get as many caps as perhaps he should.

We also produced Mick Channon and Theo Walcott , an England player who no one has actually seen play.

And bugger me if Kenwane Jones (Trinidads centre forward) doesn't play for Southampton as well.

What a place, must be something in the water.

There are those about us who are under the, mistaken idea, that Obeseity is caused by White flour and Sugar.
I am here to tell you this is not the case. Obeseity is caused by Sainsburys and I myself am living proof as to this assertion.

Having sent the Scullery Maid to purchase comestibles for Dennypoos Acres I was astounded to note that she had been remiss in her duties to the tune of 'Rocket leaves'.
No self respecting plate of bunny fodder is complete without this peppery addition and so I my mission (and I chose to accept it) was to remedy the situation forthwith.

Immagine my horror to see displayed in the cheapo section of the in-store bakery a large quantity of Double Chocolate Muffins (large size). Casting about me I espied large amounts of Chocolate Profiteroles ( reduced in price from £1.69 to 59p per twelve pack). I had in the local hostelry heard some youths talking about 6 packs and so, I sought to go one better, and out-do the callow youths with a 12 pack
I bought the lot and added all the Muffins a man could carry, for good measure.

I have to tell you that ingestion of these articles has produced a touch of Man Boob

.

and as such I can conclude and confirm that those rotters Sainsburys are to blame.

I away now to have Nursie pummel me into shape. Six pack be dammed, I've a Firkin.

Today I shall have the in house muscians play some..Brahms.

Now as a cynic, I've always thought that when someone described an incident as " The air was thick with the sound of humming Bees" or " The sky was dark as the swarm massed about my head", that they were using the old poetic licence ploy as such things are surely an exageration.

Boys and Girls, NO! for such occured this very morning.

Taking a stroll around 'Dennypoos Acres', I was astounded to find those two (previously described) events actually do exist. I rushed indoors, not through fear dear readers,(as the only thing that scares the shit out of me is sexually agressive women), but to close the windows as the last thing I need is a swarm of Bees on the Chaise.

I think that Bees swarm when a new Queen is produced and leaves the hive to set up a new colony.(Flatlander should help me out on this).
Whatever, it was dammed impressive and I have to thank the bonkers old bitch next door for this spectacle as in her much over-grown garden are some old hives which although much neglected still have tennants.

I rush now to put up the bunting that preceeds Engerlaaands stupendous victory in the Footie. Ha.

...........well not Godot thats for sure.

Waiting for my new printer, bought off ebay. Can these people, ie carriers not specify a morning or afternoon? I couldn't even go for a newspaper because that would be the exact time the guy would turn up and put a snotty note telling me to pick up my parcel from some industrial estate miles from anywhere.

Eventually, this morning it arrived.I followed all the instructions, and BINGO, It didnt work. Dejected as I was I rembered my photographic training and delivered a hearty thwack to the side of the machine. Hey-presto, one fully functioning multi-function, all singinng all dancing piece of kit. I was even able to find the printer cable I nicked from my last place of employ as a leaving present.

I was going to upload some music but I still cant get past this file size thing. Any ideas? These files I'm trying to upload are only 2mb.

Today I shall be listening to..................KEB MO.

...........in a moment of joined up thinking in a blue sky and same hymnbook kind of way that our chums, the Americans, are getting a little uppity.

Following the recent report about extreme rendition I was astounded to hear an American University proffesor be at first critical of the U.S and then say that a change of rules was needed.(so that this activity of kidnap and illegal imprisonment would be OK)

I heard on the news that the good ole U.S. of A is with-holding monies payed to the U.N because it keeps being criticised about Guantanamo, the environment and truck loads of other stuff. Is it just me or is this the spoilt kid taking his ball home because he can't get his own way?

On much the same topic, I watched Outtakes on BBC3. What a hoot, all the usual suspects (this being a political edition).
My absolute favourite was Dan Quale at a school. Some little black kid was asked to spell potato, which he duly wrote on the board. There was a bit of a confab and an aide wispered in the kids ear. The outcome was the kid re spelt the word, writing POTATOE. A bust of applause followed.

What a knob.

Today I shall listen to some ..........Massive Attack.

I, like most sentient beings, should be incandescant with rage with the people shown on this programme last night.

I will instead limit myself to a gentle shake of the head and a sigh.

Such profligacy and lack of any shame was, I thought, the preserve of American tourists. How wrong I was.
No more can I deride the ostentatious, check-trousered, Grosse-Yank for his lack of taste when apparent English folk are just as bad.

I think however that if one were to scrape away the blingy exterior we would find that there lay beneath, a heart of real tackyness.

The age old maxim that says " Money cannot buy good taste" has never been more aptly demonstrated.

I shall not delve into the obvious and detail just what good could be done with such wealth but will leave you with the thought that a stain on the duvet would have been more beneficial to mankind.

TODAY.... I will be listening to some ...LIGETI!

I finally managed to get my dinky TV tuner to strut its funky stuff in a typically blokey kind of way.
This involves not asking for help in a not asking for directions kind of way but trying every possible (and some highly implausable) ways to get it to load. Eventually , as my tablet had been previosly infested with sundry worms, trojans and viruses (all suposedly dealt with) I rebooted my machine from the recovery disk.
Bobs your Uncle and Fanny's your Aunt...........IT WORKS.

Now all I have to do is fathom out the remote and I can use it as a video recorder/time shift thing as the dinky ariel which should enable you to roam and watch doesnt pick up enough signal in Southampton.

Today I shall be listening to Gary Moore/Still got the Blues.

....sufficient nous to donate another track from my well thought out music library.

Warren Zevon an all time great.

.....all its cracked up to be.

So on Thursday I went on a bit of a buying spree. Well went is the wrong word. I attempted to purchase stuff off the net and via Ebay.

It went like this:

Found a suitable Nikon Camera on Ebay, checked out the seller, looked at payment/postage details, bid for and won the camera. I paid via paypal and prepared to wait afew days for it to arrive from The States. I then recieved an email saying paypal had refunded my money, the seller declining to go forward with the transaction as I was a new Ebay member (those with a memory will remember the hassle I had with Ebay which forced me to re-join and thus loose all prior feedback).

I also ordered up a 2gb SD card to go in the camera and a TV/USB tuner to turn my tablet into a go anywhere tele and more importantly, a video recorder so that in the unlikely event of Engerland doing well in the footer I'd be able to replay the victory ad-nauseum.

Bugger me if the Card and TV tuner didnt arrive the next day...Whuu-Hooo.

The downside is I cant get the tuner to tune to any TV stations even through my rooftop ariel (which as I recieve digital, know to be effective).

So to recap:

No new Nikon Camera.

No Joy with the TV tuner.

I do however have a very inexpensive, very large capacity SD card which for the moment I have no use.

Retail therapy is not for this bunny at the moment.

Well now, being a persistant bastard I'm as good as my word and here is my first music upload.

In order to reduce file size I had to bugger about with bit-rates and the like but that's all in a days work for us Silver Surfers
What I will have to do, as the quality is at its crappiest, is tart around till I get a useful compromise between track length and quality.

That'll be tomorrows task.

Todays offering is ....
."a pair of brown eyes" by the Pogues

Funny how the system says its max upload is 20mb yet when I try to upload a music file of 10.1mb it says the file is too big.

Stay tuned to find out how Dennypoos will get round this, because he damm well will.

I'm almost getting my dander up.!